Parts of Me

A part of me shed tears constantly. A part of me ached unceasingly. The other part was given to you. And now what has been left of me?

One part sank in silence, the other in darkness.

Lost

This or that. Neither of them expressed the way I felt. I wrote and then I deleted them all. When I deleted all my feelings embodied in words also were swept away. I scrabbled in search for my feelings and I got lost in the way I lost my words. I guess someone has just deleted me, I wonder who will now find me.

Your Voice

Why didn't I talk to you?

I regret.

Your words were knife-sharp. They cut me and made me bleed. Now your words are buried with you. But you voice has stayed here. With me.

He

I walked through the subway Marques de Pombal Blue Line Station on my way home. As I was climbing the stairs, each step I took reminded me of an unknown future. An unknown future only a couple of minutes away at a place called home.

What bad surprises awaited me I didn't know. Each step drew me closer to an unknown end. Now, I was at the door of my apartment. I was...I was there. I hesitated at first but then unlocked the door. He was there with a sweet smile on his face.

All the worries in my head disappeared.

Lies without Words

Was she so beautifully handsome? Or handsomely beautiful? I couldn't decide. I kept staring at her. She caught my eyes and I pretended; I wasn't look at her. Why do we have to lie all the time? Why couldn't I just continue staring? With words or without words, lies run this world!

Metro Readings: Blindness

The blind man took his steps carefully in the darkness of his world. Outside, the sun was beaming so radiantly. But even that couldn't lighten his world up. His world enveloped him in the darkness and people around him became a part of this darkness: They didn't see him, neither did he see them.

Tomorrow it will be

I ran, I ran and I ran. I ran away whatever you brought to me.
I knew, I knew and I knew. I knew this was the end.
Not now. Not today. But I know tomorrow it will be...

Beautiful

You cut me into pieces, yet I continued to believe it all looked beautiful. Beautiful.

Behind You

Now you ceased to exist in me. The only tie I have with you is my words at the present and your life in my past. Once your life would fill me in with words, now my words empty out what's left behind you.

Women

There are forms of pregnancy. Some women prefer to get pregnant by donors from a sperm bank. Some use men just for that purpose without any commitment. Others get married with Mr. Right. In the last case, in South women get pregnant, men become fathers. In North, both women and men get pregnant and they become parents. And me, between the West and the East and the South and the North, I choose not to be a mother, but a woman.

Who, What, When?

I sometimes doubt: Was that my imagination or the reality that was so sound?
Don't you sometimes feel the memories of our past become sweeter than they were indeed?

We long for unexperienced feelings, whereas the feelings we once felt were always better than today's.

Who will satisfy us? What will satisfy?

When?

Lost Words

Words are floating in my head and some feelings are filling my chest. What am I doing?

Nothing.

The words just can't reach to these lines nowadays. How much I miss to get lost among them...

Today my words are.

But, I wonder:

Where am I?

Reality vs God

I refused to believe in reality-death, but
I chose to believe in an illusion-god. And in the end neither of them helped much:

Reality shattered me into pieces and god never existed.

Feelings

Years and years pass. Some feelings shrink. The others just grow in the direction we don't want.

Autopoetic

It was a misunderstanding that led me to this nonexistent word: Autopoetic. First, it was a bliss! I thought I had found the word I had been long looking for. In the next second, he corrected: He didn't say "autopoetic".

True, he didn't say autopoetic, but still this didn't change the fact that I have found my word:

Autopoetic is an attempt to give a meaning to our lives in a poetic way, in our own unique way.

Holding One's Hand

People hold each others' hands in two situations: When they are in love and when they are afraid. Today I can't decide which I am feeling.

Will you just come and hold my hand? It's already getting too dark here...

Long Time No Post

Long time no post. Sometimes I like to be enveloped by my silence. Sometimes silence has more meaning than all my words.

Age 29, Post 229

Started my new age very broken, but don't worry, I have a whole year to recover.

Puzzle

She slept with many men to find the man she had lost once. One had his smile, the other had the same eye color and another had the same humor.

No man and nothing brought him back.
But all men and everything made her eternally sad.

First, Then and Now.

First I thought I would be liberated.
Then I got scared I wouldn't get inspired.
Now I know it wasn't for a while, it was for a life-time.

Pondering

If I could only "rewind" my life...I know I would repeat all mistakes again and be here where I am today. That's the way I am, I guess.

Midsummer Dream

No,it isn't you. Neither is it me.
You and me were gone long time ago. Our existence vanished in this vast universe at once and what remained of us was our dreams.
Can you believe that we never existed in this world, my love?

It was just a midsummer dream.

It wasn't Him, It was His Voice

The tone of his voice was enchanting. Soft, calm and relaxing. We didn't talk much, but I wished we had done so. He could talk forever and I was willing to travel to the distant places his voice would take me.
Can a voice of a stranger be so familiar?

All the Universe is Against Me

I sometimes feel all the universe is against me.

I sometimes feel I am the victim of a secret conspiracy.

And today I feel the joke was on me.

One Strange Metro Reading

I saw that young beautiful man reading his book in English. I didn't want to disturb him, but I was curious to death just to be able to see the title of his book; The History of.... Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to find it out, for it was time to get out. In the crowd, I could spot his direction easily. I walked behind his silhouette not noticing that I was walking in the wrong direction.

I fell under the train and I died. Died after my dreams.

If...

If I gave up everything and turned back to you, would I be the same person you loved once?

My Father's Grave

I didn't visit your grave last time I was in Istanbul. Your absence in my life has turned such a great presence in the core of my existence that it didn't make any sense to go to a cemetry. How could you be dead while you're here everyday in my thoughts?

I know your body is rotting there among others, but these feelings held me back. I am still your little daughter, remember? At times, I get scared.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for acting so coward.

Why me?

I sometimes feel I am detached from life and realize how badly I misread it. All I do is to search for a substance for so-called, neatly created pains. Only the times I fail to find one, I feel happy in life. Why me, I would ask to myself. But today it is:

Why not me?

She: The Story of Unhapiness

The blue sky was there. She turned on her TV to watch some news. Desperation of an old man holding his little daughter's dead body stirred her feelings deeply. Shrank in his body, hunger of a child brought her tears. Grief of a woman standing next to her bombed house revolted her. She looked up to the sky from her window. A tiny reason for happiness, i.e. blue sky, was a luxury to the rest of the world. The sun was shining only for few, she thought and turned off the TV.

He: The Story of Happiness

The clear blue sky, bleaming sun was away from his concept of happiness.
He demanded more
And he shrinked in his body more.
In the end he was reduced to his unhappiness.
One day, the wind blew and he flew.
That's how he became aknew and he started all anew.

Absence

I'll be away from my computer until the end of this month.

Colors Tray

My skin is white, my soul is black and my thoughts are often blue.

Your skin is black, your soul is white and your thoughts are lost and your eyes never smile.

Truth and Lies

Your lies hurt more than the bitterest truth.
Either tell me all or just seal your lips.
In either case, I will be gone.

She and Her Memories of Him

She wanted to get some hearings, some news from him. But she didn't. It wasn't long after she found out that she was no longer in his life. She didn't know how to feel, just thought how easy it was to forget all. Suddenly, she realized something. It was easy to break up with them, but it wasn't easy to get rid of memories. That was the hardest of all.

The man she was in love wasn't it him, but her memories of him.

Stranger

He was a stranger. He was a stranger to these skies, to these faces, to all.

His soul was aching. Inside he was suffering from these emotional tumors that noone could cure. The more richness his eyes witnessed, the sadder he got at heart. His life was nothing but flashbacks of poverty of his past life.

His loneliness was stiffened by the fact that he was from a third world country. He passed through all these crowded streets, but couldn't find anything familiar. A few blocks later, he heard someone called his name.

Sadness fell upon his heart. He was no longer stranger. The magic was gone.

Too Boring to Read

I got on the train with the hope to read someone interesting. In my closest vicinity, I began to observe two young girls talking vehemently. All the necessary-unnecessary words were pouring from their mouths. Like rivers.

I closed my eyes and traveled away from them. I was there. I wasn't there. The words took me here. Took me there. I didn't hear anything. Nor I read. I was at ease. It was my turn to be in peace.

Reading Myself Through Others

In the crowd of people's thoughts, I caught a glimpse of him. He was sitting four seats ahead, right across me. A beautiful young man at his mid-twenties drew my attention in an unknown way. The more I looked at him, the more I thought of me. I realized how long it has been since I asked myself what kind of men I liked most. Blond? Brunette? Tall? Short? I was surprised to find out that I stopped thinking such things and I was sure that was a tiny thing among millions that I ceased to ponder about my life.

At the end of my trip, I voted in dark blonds.

I voted in him.

Nobody

Nobody heard you. Your words deafened me.
Nobody saw you. Your sight blinded me.
Nobody felt you. Your presence killed me.

Heading to London

I'm heading to London, so in the following days I won't be around. Need some inspiration, need some fresh air. See you later!

His Existence

How sacred meanings I attached to his existence. He wasn't a saint and I wasn't an angel. And I know we both failed in this illusion business.

I looked at his pictures again. I couldn't recognize him, as if he was a stranger and we've never met. Year by year, I was amazed to find out how I perfected him in my mind and how much I was willing to continue keeping this picture-in distance.

Others and Me

Man: Everybody thinks you're strange!
Me: I know. It's because they're so worried about others' lives and forget theirs (Pure reality). I am happy I am the strange one. Otherwise what would they talk about?

Lost in Her Own Life

When words cease to carry a meaning, the best remedy is silence, she thought. And this thought freed her mind from its chains and stopped her tears. Sank in silence she was happy. In these moments of silence carried her what she stopped doing long time ago: seeing the pictures of her present life in distance. She got lost among those pictures for hours and hours. One thing made her quite worried though: she couldn't find herself in them. In her own life, she was missing.

Portugal doesn't feel Right Today

Let alone being yourself, acting your unique self is so difficult in Portugal. You're given a mask, a new face as how they want to see you. You're given your role, if you don't act well, you're judged and labelled immediately: a misfit. Your reasons are not even considered. Because in this small country, you aren't supposed to question, but just bow your head and accept. Inside you resent, outside you just smile as all Portugueses do.

Today it feels so boring to live in Portugal as it's never been, so much surrounded by social codes and so many hypocrisies.

And today is my day to drop off my mask, refuse to be a hypocrite.

And just be myself.

Flying and Crashing

I was about to fly but I crashed on the ground...You came and took my wings away. I remained more naked than ever. Perhaps I don't have my wings now, but I have my words.
Will you come and take them too?

In The Crowd of Our Thoughts

In the crowd of our thoughts we were both lonely. Your absence was stronger than your presence and I just didn't know how to deal with this. I didn't think I existed in your life either. The idea of my presence kept you going and I felt this in the very core of my existence. Hugging you was holding on empty dreams, kissing you was meaningless. Yet, the idea of losing you made me breathless. That's how I can summarize our happiness was...in sadness.

Sky

If I was the sky, I would be your shield. I would let the sun shines reach your heart. Warm sun shines would make your blue eyes smile, I know.
At the times I am sad, and you would never know this, I would pour the rain on you. Gray clouds would mirror my gray thoughts. Just to make you understand how I feel at heart. Invisible. Invincible, yet very frangible.
I would expect one thing from you though: to remember...to remember me. Next time you see a rainbow, would you remember me for a second? I will not make it appear every day, of course that would be impossible, but once in a while, I would like to be remembered too.
For, I have never forgotten you.

Battle of Hearts

Her silence was a shelter against his sword-like sharp words. He wanted to pierce through her, get into her blood, make her bleed and suffer. These thoughts ached his heart. Instead, he pierced through his very self and made himself hurt unbearably.

Against all the words he muttered, she took her guard, i.e. her silence, against him. Silence enveloped her like a cocoon and protected her against mortal blow of words by him.

In this battle of hearts, nobody won.

They both lost.

They both hurt. They were both hurt.

Language

My feelings are orphans to be adopted and the words to adopt them never come. They move in my head from one side to another restlessly, in despair.

Today I feel I have no language to tell how much I love you. Certainly, I have no claims on you.

I've not found her yet

I took a long trip, traveled through my memories, faced my fears and worries. To find you. While I was in search of you, I lost myself. I was in need of you, now I am without myself.

When I was lost, someone else found me.

I returned to the point I began-without you. But with someone else.
And me?
I've not found her yet.

He

After a painful birth, he had fallen in life.
A literal act which would repeat itself over the following years in his life.
He would fall and fall and fall.
Until the end of his life.
At the end of his life, he would fall out of life-
Dead.

in Love in Life

First I fell in love with him,
then I fell in life of him.
Now I've fallen out of love
then I know I will be out of his life.

To love and to like

Have you ever thought how much you like your beloved one? How easy to love, how impossible to find someone to like. These thoughts were passing through her mind while she was sitting next to her husband. All her life was in front her, not behind. All her ex-boyfriends presented themselves one by one as if to convince her that they still existed. Indeed they existed in her life, at her present, perhaps more than ever. She remembered how much she liked them. How perfect they seemed!

This was an illusion, why am I sitting here next to this stranger, she asked herself. The next thing she did was to leave the room without saying anything, yet giving him a kiss. A last good-bye kiss.

She

The emotions were at present, words were not. Her throat was filled with the words she didn't have the courage to utter. Her mere existence was crashed into pieces. Her thoughts were clouded and her heart ached. She stopped existing next to him. Her body was there but she wasn't. He walked away. She had long left before him,

Fallen in Life

I have fallen in life. My mind seems to be covered by clouds. I can neither read my mind nor reach my heart. And the words? They just don't come either.
I've fallen in life and continue to fall.

What Words to Utter?

His voice on the other side of the line was fragile. I didn't know what words to utter...What would comfort a man who was taking his steps slowly to his death?

Long breaks during our conversation signified emptiness. An emptiness he was filling by his presence in this world. An emptiness which may not be filled by him soon.

At the edge of his life, he was tired. His words trembled. A sob in his throat ached. Knowing the bitter fact that this may be his very last day, he bit good-bye to his niece in silence.

What words would comfort a man who may die tomorrow?

Your Name

Everything faded into mist.
I prefered not to give you a name, for all the names were forgotten in my world. This was an attempt not to lose you, but this also failed like any other meanings. Before the sunrise, at the dawn, you were gone. Your name remained in my memory though. Each time I recalled it, it rosed a tortured sob in my throat. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't.

Pondering on Death

Only when we get older, we realize that today can be our very last day alive. I don't think I'm afraid of getting older, the only thing that scares me about death is the loss a familiar and the unavoidable feeling of emptiness. An emptiness that can never be filled. An emptiness hurts you forever. The worst part is that a person dies only once, but you die with him/her several times a day.

You

I feel your presence in your absence.
I see my blindness, hear my deafness
and I understand why you were so heartless.

Death

The land was swimming by under my feet. I was floating aimlessly. My conscience was open, I just couldn't know why I was here, floating, and thinking of you.

Living now just wouldn't matter, so would thinking of you.

I took my last breath and sank in peace.

When...

When everyone wanted to take a picture of happiness, I preferred black-and-white scenes.
When everyone wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to be myself.

When everyone laughed, I cried.
When everyone cried, I took a deep breath, thought a little and dropped these lines.

A Little Longer?

I still wonder why he didn't stay. Why did he have to leave? The world was here with me...

Couldn't he stay a little longer?

He's left with a bitter good-bye. He's left all the world to me. He's left all myself to me.

Happy Father's Day

When I was a child, I used to hold my father's hand strongly and have walks together. Each time I held his hand, my small hand would disappear in his big, well-shaped hand. His hands were so big that he would never grasp my hand but pass his little finger for me to hold. I was so proud holding his little finger, walking beside him for he was akin to the heroes in the stories I was told. His hands evoked such feelings of protection for they were so big and strong.

When one day he fell weak and sick, I never wanted to let his hands slip though mine. But he never let me. "It hurts", he said. He never told whether it was his hand or inside that hurt. While letting his hands go, it hurt-inside me so deeply.

When I saw him for the last time one year and 3 months ago, his hands were the only things that was left alive from his dead body. They were alive in the sense that they brought me all those beautiful tale-like years of my childhood, our laughters and walks on the coast hand-in-hand. While I was letting his colds hands go forever, it hurt, it really hurt so bad inside. I was so hurt to see my hero lay dead.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy...

Loneliness

She was never lonely when she was with herself. Her loneliness occurred only when she was surrounded with people. The people didn't see her. When they did, they didn't hear her words.

She remained in her world deserted, but not lonely.

Tears

The doctor told the little girl that her tears were insufficient. She didn't know what that meant. Scared, she wanted to cry, but she couldn't and she understood what it meant.

"Don't cry over the world", he said. "It's impossible not to," replied the girl. That evening she was completely sad. Thinking of being unable to cry doubled her pain. Until that moment she never realized how much happiness her tears had brought to her. In the past she used to cry for her sufferings, now her happiness turned into her tears.

She and the Words

Nobody understood her relationship with words. While she was smiling, a part of her was crying. She was happy when she was sad and she was sad when she was happy. The meanings ceased to exist in her life. Most of the times, she changed the meanings of the words, played and sometimes mocked with life through her words. That was the life. That was her life-with pure joy.

What else was there to do?

I...

I looked at you and I saw myself.

I ran away from you and I ran away from me.

I realize that I love you only because I have found myself in you. Until the time I discover a part of me more interesting than I've found in you in someone else, I will love you.

In the Empty Streets of My Mind

I ran, ran and ran in the empty streets of my mind. I didn't run after anything else. I was followed by myself, my fears, my hesitations and my dreams. When I reached to the end of the road, I stopped. All my fears, hesitations, worries and dreams also stopped. I wondered where I was, where I was heading, where I would reach. Nowhere was the answer. I started to walk.

To decide and not to let the time fly.

In a Different Place

In the right place, at a different time, I would like to talk to him through my inner voice. Without hesitation, without fear, without second thoughts, directly from my mind, directly from my heart.

I keep wondering why this isn't the right place and why this isn't the right time. Above all could you be able to tell me what holds me back?

Me and My Mother

When I was a little girl, I'd lean my head against my mom's belly and dream about how my 9-month life was inside it. I'd imagine how I'd been nurtured, what I'd think and finally how I'd come out. Years later I would find it surprising: I still feel like a little girl in search for mother's protection, if not in her belly in her arms and if not in her arms in her words.

I miss you so so much mommy...

He and Your Dream

I ran after a dream with boundless reasons. Thought it was you and I could hold onto him. A short while later, I realized that I was wrong. He was far from being you. He was just perfect,but not you...